So what if she finds out that you like her?

12 Nov

This is the way many guys think:

“I must get the girl to like me first, and then it is safe to let her know that I like her.

“Because it’s very possible that if she finds out, she will become uncomfortable. And if the liking is not mutual, she’s likely to be offended. And I will have lost the opportunity.”

If this is the way you think, please stop. This is juvenile thinking. You’re not a 12-year-old having a crush on the cute girl in the next class.

First of all, why do you assume a woman would be offended if she knows you like her? It’s ok to show your attraction for someone. They won’t become offended or scared simply on account of that. (Unless they think also like a 12-year-old, in which case you should stay away from them.) In fact, girls often become more curious about you when they become aware of your attraction.

Second, the mindset is counter-productive. Courtship begins with the process of knowing the other person. If you are already hiding yourself when you’ve just met a person, you’re starting all wrong. Because, as a matter of principle, it’s hopeless to hide attraction. When she’s interacting with you, whether you’re an acquaintance or still a total stranger, your demanour is already within her full view. In many cases, she can already sense if you like her.

Even if you think you’ve disguised your attraction well, or she’s dense/insensitive, it’s still a problem—a bigger problem, even. She may or may not know you like her, but she will know that you are hiding something. People who keep themselves and their motives from being known are unattractive and creepy. Period.

Oddly enough, this problem of hiding one’s attraction is not the province of inexperienced guys. Even men who are self-professed experts have this problem. Many so-called pick-up artists are so busy deploying their memorised lines when talking to women, they don’t realise they are really hiding behind their routines. They work under the unspoken principle of, I must get her to think of me as a cool attractive person first. She can get to know me later. It’s the same underlying assumption: I’m not attractive in and of myself, so I must do something other than simply showing up as myself.

The solution? Don’t overthink it. Attraction cannot be not engineered. It’s there, or it’s not.

Consider this: If you’re talking to a girl, she already knows you like her—or at least, you don’t find her repulsive. If she’s willing to talk to you, it means she already likes you—or at least, she doesn’t find you repulsive. It’s as simple as that. If both of you talking, it’s safe—a good idea, even—to assume the two you have established rapport.

So go talk with more people today.

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