Don’t talk to yourself while you’re talking to a woman

30 Dec

While dating involves both the man and the woman, women’s and men’s perspectives are usually quite different. While it’s useful to get a woman’s take on dating issues, their advice shouldn’t be taken at face value.

Take this article for example: “How can I tell men I just want to be friends and not date them?” (Read it first before you continue.)

The girl says:

Unfortunately, nine times out of 10, I’m not really into him enough to date him — rather I’d be more interested in being friends.

Taken at face value, the article’s seems to be saying: Women don’t want to be bothered by men. You men out there shouldn’t bother to approach women.

But look at it another way. Nine out of 10. That’s one out of 10 strangers that she wants to date. And all he has to do is talk to her. This is a classic half-empty, half-full-glass scenario.

Think about it. If the odds for the top lottery prize were 10 per cent, the entire population here would be absent from work, queuing at the Singapore Pools all week. Don’t just look at the odds; think also about the reward. If one of the 10 women you talked to last month agreed to a date, that’s still a much better result than most men would have.

So, how do you get to be that one in 10 men who gets her interest?

The columnist writes:

… there are two conversations happening when a guy approaches you. There’s the one on the surface — the one that’s about the weather or how long the line is or what you do for a living — and then there’s the real one — the one that happens between the lines and starts as soon as the man opens his mouth. It doesn’t matter what he’s saying out loud.

What he’s truly communicating is: “Hey, you’re cute. Do I have a chance in hell with you?” And if you engage him in conversation — if you’re friendly and smiley and ask questions or whatever — it doesn’t matter what you say out loud back, because all the guy is going to hear is: “Yeah, you do have a chance! Keep on talkin’.”

This. This is what most guys do. When they approach a girl, they have two conversations: a verbal dialogue with the woman, and an internal dialogue, with themselves. “Hey, you’re cute. Do I have a chance in hell with you?”

You do not want to do this.

Women are not put off by strangers who approach them. However, they are put off by strange men who approach them is that they try to hide their interest behind a mask of friendliness. It’s creepy and awkward.

What you should do when you approach  an attractive woman is to be friendly, while showing your interest. Be direct and open in your approach. Let her know you find her attractive, but respect that you’ve only just met by not being too aggressive.

How do you do that? By keeping strong eye contact while watching your physical distance. I won’t go into too much detail here–suffice to say that you do not want to crowd her in, the way the guys are positioning themselves in the article’s picture. Stay parallel to her orientation (i.e. side by side), or sit/stand at right angles. Don’t push yourself into her field of vision.

Most importantly, don’t keep an inner conversation in your head while talking to her. Show your friendliness as well as your interest. There should only be one conversation going on at any single moment, and that’s with the woman looking at you.


One Response to “Don’t talk to yourself while you’re talking to a woman”

  1. Friendly girl December 30, 2010 at 9:41 am #

    Yo, I’m a friendly girl and have guys approach me to talk. But seems like they just wanna kill time! Anyway, to the guys who like to approach girls on the street: Get the girl’s email, not the number. 🙂

    It’s kinda less intrusive to the girl. Coz she can choose to reply or not.

    HOWEVER, if it’s at a singles event, get the number. It shows more interest. 😀

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